Whoosh

I'm in the hospital. How did I get here? I'll tell you.

The night I blogged last, I developed a fever in the 101 range. The next day, I called the doctor, and he said he wanted me to go to Stanford a day early for tests...

(Dan's hand hurts from the IV in it, so he passed the 'torch' to his wife)

The doctor basically laid out 3 options:

1. A CT shows a fluid collection or abscess and he would be admitted for that to be drained

2. A CT is clean, but the WBC count is high and he would be admitted for IV antibiotics

3. The CT is clean and the WBC count is in the normal range, so the culprit is the PICC. Pull

the PICC, send him home on antibiotics.

Since 2 of the 3 options resulted in Dan being hospitalized again, we decided to drive up north a day early, go to the Stanford ER and go from there. That way we could get the hospitalization started with earlier and hopefully ended earlier.

Jamie was wonderful and drove Dan and I from LA to Stanford last night. Dan slept in the front seat and I wrote a Bible paper in the backseat. I slept some, too, which proved a good thing as nights aren't always full of sleeping for us.

We arrived at the ER around 10am, right before the Sunday rush. McGreeky arrived fairly shortly after I got through the stringent security process (worse than the airport) to gain entrance into the ER. Because Dan was tachycardic (high heart rate), the doc said Dan would most certainly need to be hospitalized. All the labs got drawn, Dan started drinking the contrast, and we waited for his turn in the CT. By 2pm, Dan was back from CT and we had to just wait for results.

Amazingly, Dan got a phone call from McGreeky saying that the CT was "dry as a bone"--no fluid collection! So, that meant the PICC would be pulled, Dan would need to eat real food for nutrition and one drain will get pulled tomorrow. Unfortunately, the high WBC count and heart rate meant Dan would be admitted for IV antibiotics. McGreeky said Dan would probably be in the hospital for 48 hours. Only the Lord knows if he will stick by that time estimate. He might be a good surgeon, but he's a terrible estimator!

Dan got transferred to a new unit in the very old part of the hospital. It was a teeny semi-private room, but we figured we could make it work. Though I mentioned to a nurse that Dan has a really hard time at night and would be so much more comfortable with me in the room. I was merely hoping to be allowed to sit in a chair by his bed all night, instead she moved Dan to a recently vacated private room. Awesome!

So, here we sit watching the end of the Olympics in our little room. Dan looks a lot better after getting IV fluids, 3 doses of heavy duty antibiotics and being able to eat. He no longer has a PICC, so we just have to hope the eating can pick up soon and be successful. His fever was much lower this afternoon, but we don't know about now. Hopefully, we can both get some sleep tonight.

The plan for tomorrow is to pull out one drain completely, put the wound vac back on and keep pumping the meds. As long as things hold tight, hopefully Dan can get out of here very shortly after the 48 hour mark!

I will sleep here tonight and then fly back to LA tomorrow evening. My Tuesday classes and clinicals were just too crucial to miss this time. Then, depending on when Dan gets released, I will probably drive up on Wednesday after clinicals to help Dan celebrate his birthday. We would really love to celebrate by driving back to LA together!

Thank you for the prayers and support. Keep it up troops!

Prayer Requests:

* Resolution of the fever

* Continued healing of the wound

* Dan's ability to eat...and eat well without losing too much more weight

* Discharge in 48 hours!

* Dan being able to go home for his birthday on Wednesday

* No more complications

Expanding my Stomach

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised when I received an e-mail from my doctor saying, 'start eating solid foods.' I'm still on TPN, and my stomach is really really small, so I can only nibble as of yet. But it is exciting to think 'I wish I could eat something' and then... eat something. I have to take it slow, but I'm hoping to expand my stomach (and hoping that my drains don't go crazy in the process). Also, I don't want to be overambitious with my eating and not be able to hold things down.

My fever's still hanging around, but at least it's still a low fever. The antibiotics should help. There's still a decent amount of pain in my life, but I'm starting to sleep a little better. I'm very tired of this. I'm ready to be done with it. I'm ready to be normal again. I'm ready to help my wife do things rather than her help me all the time.

I got a visit from the home health nurse today. She was very nice, though she probably won't be the one seeing me regularly. She was supposed to put the wound vac on, but since it's a very complicated wound, it needs a complicated dressing, which only a few nurses know. Anyway, someone is coming by later to put it on. It should help keep my wound from getting infected while it heals.

My friend Daniel is driving over from Riverside tomorrow to hang out and give me some 'man time'. It should be fun. We'll probably play Madden 10 on my PS3, which will be good since Daniel knows more about it and quite frankly, I'm losing faith in all the reviews that say it's the 'best Madden ever'. Graphics-wise, sure, it's very realistic (except for the weird running motion). But it seems like some of the better elements from previous games were taken out and replaced with worse things. Whatever.

Pray for:

Good eating and holding it down

Drain stoppage

Pain control

Good sleep

Less stress for Ashley

No more fever

Home at last ... hoping to stay

Today, I drove down with my mom to LA so that I could finally live at my real home with my wife. It was a long drive, and it was a little uncomfortable at times, but we made it. I was surprised by our friends Sam and Titus blowing up balloons. Titus is 3. He picked out the balloons. There was way too much crap in the car, and it took a while to get everything put away, but we finally did it. Well, Ashley did it. She's hardcore like that. It was really good to see her again. I hope I can stay.

One of the things the doctor cautioned against as a possible deterrent to me going home was a fever. As luck would have it, last night I was putting up a high of 100.7. Ashley thought I wouldn't be able to come at all, but I called the doctor in the morning to make sure. He said it was ok, so long as my fever didn't break 101, where I might have to go to the hospital or back up north. He also put me on some antibiotics to try and combat whatever infection I might have. Hopefully, my fever will go away and I can stay here. As I type this, I'm at 99.5--still a fever but better than 100.

Some good news: the doctor wants to get me eating. I think he'd rather me not have a fever when that happens, so I'm not eating yet, but hopefully soon. I'm not sure how this will affect the drains; they are still putting out a lot. Who knows, maybe eating will stop the drains! Wishful thinking, but we're waiting and seeing. As usual.

It's really nice to just sit on the couch, just me and Ash. I've missed that. I can't wait until this is all over and we can just sit on the couch together.

Pray for:

drain stoppage

NO FEVER

staying home with Ash long-term

wound healing

being able to eat well

Sleep!

Last night, I got to sleep extremely fast and only woke up once before 6 (when I had to take my blood sugar, which I am starting to hate. I'm not diabetic. It doesn't really surprise me what it is. Ugh). I woke up again at 8ish and fell back asleep and finally got up just before 11. Que bueno! I really needed that sleep. I might even get a little bit more. Except today, I'm going to try and start packing. Because I'm leaving tomorrow for LA. Booyah and Hallelujah!

I'm sitting here wearing my bags around my thigh. It's ok. They look a little like old-time ghetto leg pads like old football players or samurai would wear. One of them, the problem child, is being a problem child. After two emptyings, the problem child has given 275 ml. The good child in that same span: 37. So. We'll see whether I can eat or not tomorrow. I'm almost positive the doctor wants to see that number drop.

My wound is coming together, but it's a little messy. We can deal with it, but hopefully there won't be any big problems.

But good news: the home health agency we're using has everything all set up for us down in SoCal. It should be easier because they are close enough to my apartment to do the home health themselves (whereas this one was based in Hayward, too far from Lodi, forcing outsourcing) (rhyme time). And the woman I talked to on the phone was so energetic and happy! I will enjoy dealing with them, I think.

Keep praying for:

Drain stoppage

Wound healing

Safe drive to LA

Wise medical decisions

Continued sleep, thank you Lord!

Getting close

Today my mom and I went to Stanford (Ash is back in LA for school). It was nice to have the doctor give some good news.

:)

I had a CT scan to check for fluid buildup (you remember from last time that that is a bad thing). It was a long wait, and I felt like cacapupu because my wound was hurting and I had gotten very little sleep. Then I had to drink contrast (which tastes nasty) [sidenote: in the hospital I had drank it mixed in gatorade and it was not great, but they mixed it with water and it wasn't too bad. weird] ANYWAY the CT turned out great! I went back to the doctor right after the scan and he told me so. Then he switched my ugly gross grenades to sleek and sexy drainage bags I can strap to my thigh like a secret agent, and then he pulled on my drains for the second to last time (apparently they are right by the skin- hence 'getting close'). It hurt like crazy. I could barely take a step with my right leg. So I'm taking it easy right now.

So here's the plan: watch the drains to make sure they don't go crazy, and if they don't by Wednesday... EAT! I'm excited. I have an appointment next week, where he'll pull out (like, all the way out) one of my drains if everything goes well. The next week, he'll pull the other one out (if all goes well). Oh, did I mention I am free to go home? To La Mirada? Because I am! I just have to make sure the home health people have their ducks in a row (which they should), then my mom will drive me down, probably on Wednesday, and I'll be home and my mom will take care of some business at my grandma's house. So... yeah.

There are a couple hitches: my wound, which has been stitched up by my dad so it's almost all together, has some problems. a) it hurts more because the sutures are pulling on me, b) it's not coming together in exactly the right way, and c) it is more of an infection risk than the wound vac. So sometime, some or all of the sutures have to come out and the wound vac will be put in again, because the two (sutures and vacs) don't coexist well. Some of the progress made will be retained, so it's not a total loss. But wound vacs are more annoying, and still painful.

Hitch 2 is that we're trying to get an appointment on a non-Monday so Ash can go. It's really hard because Monday is his only official clinic day but it's also Ashley's biggest class day. However, he had said that he could squeeze us in on a different day if we needed to, so we're pushing for Tuesday. Other than those and my pain (which has lessened but still really hurts), things are good. God is good. Mysterious, but good. He is not a vending machine or Santa Claus. I don't know what he's up to, letting me suffer when he could have healed me, but there are so many horrible things in life that turn around for the good. One day, I will know. Until then, I am his, because he is God, and I .... am not.

Pray for:

drains to continue being low so I can eat! (and to stay low if I do start eating)

home health agency to work efficiently to allow me to get back to LA

fast-working and well-working wound vac

pain to die down

tuesday appointment rather than monday

The drains stopped? But hold on...

The drains stopped. Basically. But put away the champagne for now. Here's the qualifier.

Yesterday, the drains put out over 500 mL. That's a record for me. I e-mailed my doctor yesterday, showing some concern. His new plan was to change the bulbs from sucking to catching. To give you an idea, the fluid is collected in bulbs (actually referred to as 'grenades' because they look like... grenades). Normally, the bulbs are squeezed when they are emptied to provide some suction. Now, the doctor wants to leave them unsqueezed so they just accept whatever fluid comes.

No drainage could be a good thing or a bad thing.

It could mean the pancreas was ok this whole time and was just being picked on by the overbearing drains, sucking its soul into a grenade.

It could also mean the fluid is going somewhere else. It is likely going into the bowel, because according to radiology, the track left by my drain (after being pulled out a few inches) is walled off, like concrete. However, it could also be forming a fluid collection in my abdominal cavity, which is not a good thing. So if I develop a fever or abdominal pain, that's probably what it is, and that would be a complication I do not want. A CT on my Monday appointment will bring the verdict.

Also on my Monday appointment, the doctor will be switching my grenades for bags, which are more suitable for catching fluid than the grenades (and they will be clean, too- mine have not been changed, and they are pretty grody). I may or may not have my drains pulled on; it will depend on the CT results. He will also change my wound vac, which is complicated right now:

The vertical part has the wound vac in it, because it is still big (though not as big since my dad placed some sutures in it). The horizontal part doesn't have a wound vac on it because of the sutures which are closing it up, and it should heal openly rather than under a seal of the vacuum. But since they're connected, it's hard to get a seal. So... some problems, but none too big.

I'm having a good day today. I like being with Ashley. She makes life more colorful. I will be sad when she drives the Big Drive back to school tomorrow. I really hope I can go home next week.

Please pray:

That the drains are stopped for the right reason

That there are no complications that mean I can't go home

For travel safety for Ash

That my wound heals up nicely

That I won't get a collection in my abdominal cavity

That, if I go on a food trial soon, my pancreas can handle it and I can go off of TPN

Prayer needed badly

So, I'm back in Nor Cal until Sunday when I drive back to La Mirada. At least that is the plan.

Unfortunately, the only new thing here is that Dan's drain output has increased massively. For those who like numbers: the past few days have been in the 300s (bad) and today will end up close to 500ml (terrible). As Dan is still not eating, it is difficult to know what is causing this increase. Though the doctor thought that pulling on the drains would decrease the output, it seems to have done the opposite. Our concern is that the pulling of the drains has opened the hole in the anastomosis more or has caused damage to the tissues. Honestly, we do not have any idea what is going on.

We emailed the doctor and haven't heard anything yet. It is frightening for us as another surgery may be necessary to fix the anastomosis. While this has always been a small possibility (and still is), it is the possibility that scares us the most. Dan's body isn't as strong as it was for the last surgery, so another one to fix the last would be difficult.

Also, my schooling would be in jeopardy. I've been given a deadline of March 1st to be settled into school without missing days. Up until today we figured that was possible since the surgeon wanted to get Dan home early next week. Now, we really don't know. Obviously, I wouldn't want to go to school while Dan's being operated on. Yet, I do not want to have to choose between graduating from nursing school and being with my husband.

We really do know that God is in control of this entire situation. He knows when Dan's drains will dry up, when he'll come home with me, when he'll eat again, when his next surgery will be, whether or not I graduate and when/if Dan will be cancer-free. It's just becoming difficult to pray and pray and pray (and know others are interceding for Dan) and see very little progress and even worsening. It is so difficult to force our hearts to hope and to force our minds to be still.

Honestly, we are running out of reserves. Dan hasn't eaten for a month (except for 2 days of food trials) and the TPN just isn't keeping his hunger away. He hasn't been home in 2 months now. I haven't been home for more than 3 days at a time and am getting worn down from frequent flying. Trying to wrestle between wife-nurse and student-nurse is getting harder--I even forgot to turn in an assignment (if you know me, this is huge). The constant barage of set-backs has made joy and hope infrequent emotions. We were so excited about Dan coming home next week, and now, that seems nearly impossible.

I've heard that God does not give us more than we can handle. He already knows our breaking points, and apparently, He is pushing us to them. I'm about ready to crack.

Please be in prayer with us now. We're so tired. We need to taste victory. Soon.

Prayer Requests:
* Decrease in the drain output immediately
* Healing of the anastomoses
* Continued healing of the wound
* Wisdom for the surgeons
* Dan's ability to come home to La Mirada
* Endurance and comfort for Dan
* Safe drive for me on Sunday (I haven't driven by myself since sophomore year)
* Progress in the right direction
* My ability to graduate with my class on May 29, 2010
* Hope

Nothing new

Alright fan club, everyone return to your home pages. Nothing new to see here. Go do something productive. Have a good day. Keep praying for me.

Dan

Ugh

I have watched almost all of the old Office seasons in the past few weeks. I am currently watching the season in which Jim and Pam are separated while she is at school. They are miserable and argue and get upset about weird things and have doubts and count down the days until the schooling is over. I can commiserate. Though I truly wish Dan and I had a date to countdown to!

Dan seemed really good this morning on the phone, but as the day went on things failed to get better. Instead, they got worse. Dan's drains are still high and possibly more than before the 2nd pulling. Also, he's been running a fever since early afternoon. It's just so hard to be down here trying to be excited about Dan finally coming home and then WHAM! Another setback to the plan.

The doctor was pretty clear about the one thing that would halt the plan: a fever or Dan getting sick. Ugh. I am just hoping that McGreeky surprises us and sends Dan to LA anyway. Hoping a lot.

In other news, Dan was able to go without the wound vac for a day as his dad gained the permission of Dan's surgeon to add a couple sutures to the wound. They are thinking that it will make the wound heal more quickly. Dan will get a few more sutures every day for the next 4 days. Dan is really hoping it will work out, though if the wound gets infected again the wound vac has to go back on. As badly as I want Dan's wound to heal quickly, I would love anymore for him to heal without new problems. I suppose we'll just wait and see.

Forgive me for sounding like a broken record, but we are so very tired of no progress, of being apart, of flying back and forth, and for feeling downright rotten (well, Dan).
And now, I have reached the episode in which Jim and Pam are reunited in Scranton. The episode in which Dan and Ash reunite at home is hopefully sooner than I think.

Prayer Requests:
* No more fever ever and no hint of infection
* Endurance and encouragement for both of us
* Safe travels for me (flying tomorrow night and driving Sunday)
* Good health (I think I might be getting sick)
* Ability to get work done
* Peace and faith that God is still working
* Ability for Dan to come home to La Mirada next week
* Strength for our relationship...this is a 'for worse' situation

Maybe next week?

Another day of doctor's appointments is finished. The visit with McGreeky seemed optimistic, though it was very painful for Dan. As the last "let's pull on the drains a bit and watch them go down" failed, the surgeon decided to try again today. He pulled a couple more inches out on each drains hoping that the suction would be removed from the anastomoses (holes in the connections of the pancreas and intestine). The drains had been pumping out so much over the weekend, that we can only hope the output goes down.

Also, we pressed McGreeky about getting Dan home to La Mirada. Maybe my argument with him last week did something (or maybe everyone's prayers), but he's thinking Dan can go home next week. Basically, he's uncomfortable with Dan being far away on TPN (not sure why, but whatever), so wants the drain to go down more over this week, let Dan eat real food for a few days and watch the drains. Sounds familiar, right? Dan was awesome about asking for clarifications--what will keep him from going home early next week? Dan getting sick.
So, the big prayer for now: keep Dan from getting sick! No fever, no infection, no pus from the drains (sorry, gross).

All of us want Dan to go home to La Mirada, especially him and me. It's really about time, right? Please press in with prayer that things go on schedule and on-target this week.

I'm flying back to LA this afternoon and then back up on Thursday night. Dan and I will spend the weekend getting things together and making plans as to how to make life work out in LA. I'll drive my car down to LA on Sunday afternoon and wait patiently (ha) to hear how the appointment goes on Monday morning. I have a sneaky suspicion that McGreeky will try some stall maneuvers on to keep Dan up here, but hopefully Dan and Jamie can hand back the heat. I hate not being there for the appointment, but school beckons.
Keep praying, friends.

Prayer Requests:
* Decrease in drain output
* NO INFECTION
* Pain control for pulling on the drains
* Ability to tolerate food this weekend
* Dan going home early next week!
* Endurance and energy for all my travelling this week
* Safe travels for everyone

V-Day? How about VD-Day

So Valentine's Day has come and gone; making plans for 2-14 is a little more difficult when eating is not on the menu and going somewhere takes more effort than usual. But we managed to have a little date night on the couch and wrote each other sappy love notes, and it will be logged in Valentine's history as a decent run. So we're looking forward to next year.

VD-Day is what we're really looking forward to. For those of you who have forgotten about World War II, VE-Day was Victory in Europe, VJ-Day was Victory in Japan, and VD-Day is Victory over Drains. As of right now, they're still pumping out way too much. They are being bad drains. Bad drains! It's really frustrating, because they were down to around 40 total mL per day, and now they're running at over 200 total per day. Maybe that would have happened anytime the drains were moved- which would be bad if I was leaking and didn't have the drains in. Speculation. The point is, we're sick of this war. Sometimes I wish I had been Switzerland and just stayed home. But, I am where I am, and now I have to get better. Tomorrow, we're going to Stanford and maybe figuring out just what that entails. Will I need another scan? Another surgery? Or more waiting?

Well, my wound is healing. Still a long way out, but at this point, slow and steady wins the race. When it gets to the point where the wound vac comes off and there's just gauze covering it, I will consider that a huge victory. My drains had BETTER be done by then. Or else. Grrr.

I know I have many blessings to count, so it's not the worst thing in the world, but it is entirely frustrating. Please pray for VD-Day. To come soon. Like now. Which you have been doing. And I thank you all.

Dan

Mighty

I spent the last hour reading a friend's blog about going to Rwanda and then following her link to the blog of a family who just adopted their second daughter from Taiwan. As I read both blogs, a jumble of emotions welled up within me.

Sadness: millions of children around the world need parents to love them, genocide has left a deep and seemingly impenetrable scar in the heart of Africa (among other countries), tragedy exists everywhere.
Jealousy: I long to open my home and heart to little ones in need of a family, but Dan's medical history disqualifies us from nearly all types of adoption.
Joy: God worked through the Biola girls in Rwanda to love His children; another child has a home.
Frustration: Why isn't God doing more for His children? Why allow genocide? Why allow cancer?
Hope: God is working in the lives of those who are hurting--from orphans to nursing students to Dan.
Excitement: What is God doing in my life to make me better suited to His purposes?
Fear: What is God doing in my life to make me better suited to His purposes?
Peace: No matter what goes on in my life (or around the world), God is in control. I may struggle against so many circumstances and beg for them to change, but there is peace in knowing that God already knows what is happening and what will happen. What's more, He knows why everything happens.

Reading those blogs also reminded me that I have a blog to update, though this won't be much of an update. Today has simply been another day of pressing onward. Dan hasn't vomited in 2 whole days, but is still frustrated with some GI stuff. His drains seem to have decreased a bit today, but they are still 4 times as high as before the surgeon pulled them out a bit. It is so discouraging to see those drains fill up each day, as it pushes Dan's eventual eating further and further away. Additionally, the drains have begun to let out a new odor from being in so long. Pain has been more of an issue the last couple of days, but Dan just pushes through. We even took a trip to Target today--it seemed short to me, but completely wiped Dan out.

My parents and grandpa made a trip to Lodi to deliver some goodies left over from Christmas and just to visit. We loved seeing them and having more friendly faces around. Yet, my heart hurts when we all sit down to dinner and Dan can't eat. He read at the table while we ate, but it must be miserable to watch everyone do something that he has been longing to do for almost a month now.

I find myself getting more and more frustrated lately. It seems like this will never end: the drains will drain forever, the wound will stay open for a long time, Dan will be on TPN indefinitely, Dan will have to stay in Lodi forever, etc. I know these things aren't true, but it sure does feel like it. What's more, the nervous questions are plaguing my mind more and more: the doctor said pulling on the drains would help--why has it made it worse? Is there something wrong with the placement? Did the drains pull open another hole? Why isn't Dan healing? Will Dan need extra surgery to fix the leak? Will Dan miss my graduation? Will we live apart until then? The questions go on and on without answers. Hopefully, most of them are of the paranoid nurse/wife type.

We so very badly need progress right now. We need to know that Dan is moving toward healing. We need to know that things are getting better soon.
We are discouraged, to say the least.

Yet, God is mighty on His throne. He knows all the answers, and He knows why Dan is going through all of this. Somehow, all of this is molding us to be more like Christ, so to shine His light more clearly. God is mighty whether or not things go our way or not. Yet, He also calls on us to cry out to Him in our times of need.

Lord God, hear our prayers for healing tonight. Draw us close to You. Touch Dan's body with Your power and mercy. Give us rest, oh God. We are weary and scared.

Prayer Requests:
* Drain stoppage (sudden and immediate and exciting and miraculous)
* Wound healing
* Endurance
* Incredible progress in the next few days
* Wisdom for scheduling matters
* Good news and encouragement
* The ability for Dan to be in La Mirada very soon (confidence for the surgeon)

Too cool for a title

So-- you may have noticed that I didn't blog on Wednesday OR Thursday. That's because not much happened on Wednesday. And Thursday, I was just not in the mood. Thursday morning, we went to get Ash from the airport, then scooted over to Stanford for an appointment. What they did was injected some contrast through my drains and took X-rays to see if they were draining from my pancreas or a collection of fluid elsewhere in my body (we were rooting for pancreas). Turns out it was indeed coming from my pancreas. Surprisingly, my doctor decided to pull my drains out a couple inches right then and there. This was a surprise because he had told both Ash and I on separate occasions that he would wait until he saw me on Tuesday. Oh well, I thought--better sooner than later.

Turns out it hurt a significant amount. Also turns out I didn't bring my pain meds with me because I didn't think he'd do the drains. Stupid.

I made it home ok, then took some pain meds. I still felt crummy though, so blogging wasn't first on my mind. I did have a nice ending to my day though. Ash and I had our weekly TV date upstairs all by ourselves (Bones, The Office, Grey's Anatomy, and Private Practice). It was so refreshing to have time alone with my wife- that's how we normally live, and I think that's how it's supposed to be done. We even fell asleep together during Private Practice (which I don't mind at all- I only watch Grey's and Private Practice because Ash likes them). Finally, we went to bed and -- miracle of miracles -- we both slept through the night! We've been praying for that for a while and it felt really good. Hallelujah.

One thing that dampened our day was the doctor's estimation of how long I would be in Lodi. He didn't talk to me, so I don't remember the details, but it's longer than we wanted. He is cautious. But he also changes his mind based on circumstances; if the drains really dip down (like they should eventually- though right now they are pumping out extra because of the pulling), maybe the date will be moved up. But we'll have to see what happens and I'll have to push for it.

My wound looks better today. It's noticeably smaller than before. I hope it heals faster than expected. That would be awesome.

Today, Ash is trying to get me to be more active; going on more walks, going upstairs, and my first shower in a loooooong time. Please continue to pray for healing of the wound and stoppage of the drains. You guys are awesome.

Dan

I love my wife

One year, six months--feels like so much longer. In a good way. I love my wife.

On the Dan front, not much news. The drains are pretty low, which is good, so maybe (by the end of the week?) I can eat. That's being really optimistic. But you know what? I am really tired of TPN, drains, and all that comes with it. Once I can eat properly, all I will have left to worry about is my wound vac. That brings my list of healthcare items from 29873 to 1. It feels like that anyway. The next real news will come on Thursday. Or Friday. Eh, it'll come when it comes. I may not blog tomorrow. You guys will understand, right? Good. Anyway... still here. Still waiting. Still praying.

Dan

Happy 18-monthiversary!

Yes, I do realize that the above is not a real word. Yet, today is a year and a half since Dan and I got married, and I feel somewhat proud of that. Though, there are many things that have happened in the past 18 months that neither of us would have liked to happen, we have made it through those things together. Even now, when we are apart, we are pressing onward as one. Sometimes, I wish I could take some of the pain or vomiting or something so that Dan could feel better (sometimes, I think he would let me have it!). Yet, all I can do is support him in whatever way I can.

In a way, finishing nursing school is something I can do to support our little family of two. The sooner I am a nurse, the sooner we can move out of LA. Additionally, having a steady income will help Dan finish school in a timely manner, so that we can have two incomes. Though neither of us are under the impression that we will be rich, we cannot wait to be able to settle down wherever God wants us. Someday, we'd like to worry about normal marriage stuff: a house, children, traveling, investments, missions, the drapes, etc. (Maybe not about the drapes).

So, in the next year and a half of marriage, we have a couple goals: get rid of this cancer crap and get Dan whole AND be finished with school to be doing what God has called us to do. Of course, we have learned to remain very flexible in our "plans" because God decides to change them here and there.

Here's to many more monthi/anniversaries! I love you, Dan.

(For those of you concerned with lack of mention of Dan's health, I'm letting him update on another blog later because I'm not there to know all of what is going on. This parenthetical addition will irritate my hubby because he isn't too fond of blogging, but I'll just bat my eyelashes and pretend he can see them over the phone tonight.)

How did I start blogging this frequently?

I'm going to blame the wife. She started this blog, knowing full-well that I didn't want to blog every day. Then she used it as a way for people to follow me through my epic journey through the hospital, and then she bats her eyes at me and says, 'can you blog tonight?' and I say 'fine.'

So today started pretty poorly. I threw up a couple times because my stomach is weaker and my gag reflex goes off more than I'd like. And the horrid part is, the first time I actually hit Ashley with some of it. She's a trooper, though. She cleaned up in spite of her being really tired from nights that don't contain 100% sleep. She's amazing. Anyway, my mom, Ashley, and I went to Stanford for a follow-up with McGreeky (she also made this silly name based on *gag* Grey's Anatomy) (I'm ok, by the way--not throwing up). Not much news there, except he said that he wants me to go to radiology on Friday so they can inject some contrast into my drains, take an X-ray, and see from where the drains are receiving their fluid (the pancreas itself or a separate fluid collection). Then my next appointment (next Tuesday), he wants to pull out the drains about an inch (I believe depending on the results of the radiology thing).

Speaking of the drains, one had been spouting out way too much fluid, while the other was quite tame. This morning when we emptied them, the spouter had dropped down almost to the level of the tame one! As of right now, they are still both pretty quiet. This is a good sign. I like good signs.

It's weird to be cold more than I am used to. We took Ashley to the airport today so she could attend some more classes (another reason I am blogging--probably the most significant one). When I got out, I forgot to have my sweatshirt on (I was not cold in the car and it wasn't that cold when we left), and all of a sudden, I felt like a shivering chihuahua. Ridiculous. I want my drains to dry up so I can eat again so I can put on weight so I won't be a shivering chihuahua. Also to help my skin not be so dry because I am slightly dehydrated.

I press on. We press on. This will not be forever. It sucks right now. But we're walking with God through it, and He won't abandon us.

Pray for

DRAIN STOPPAGE

ability to not throw up

rest for Ash

rest for me

wisdom of the doctors

physical stability so I can return to SoCal

Super Sunday

Not as high-scoring as everyone thought, but I do remember that the Colts' last Super Bowl win was won on defense, not offense. This time, the game was won by New Orleans by not their offense, not their defense, not their special teams, but by the coaching staff. If you're going to beat the Colts, here's what you do: don't give Peyton Manning the ball. In the 2nd quarter, the Colts ran only 6 plays, and 3 of them were conservative runs to avoid a safety or turnover deep in their own end. Then, at the beginning of the half, the Saints surprisingly onside kicked it and got it, once again, not giving Manning the ball. Sure, it really helped that they picked off a pass in the 4th quarter and ran it back for a TD, but that was not a game-ender. Yes, I wanted the Colts, but I'm not too disappointed with the results; the Saints earned it and deserved it. Anyway, it was a good game, in spite of mostly disappointing commercials and a really annoying Saints fan who felt it necessary to bring a tambourine to the game and bang it before every Colts play. Oh, and I hate CBS. Stands for Creativity's Been Sapped. And the Who put on a show that was awesome at some parts and sloppy at others. It may be time to put some youth back on stage for the halftime show.

So- my drains might be going back down? It's hard to tell. They're more than I'd like, to be sure. I'd love so much to be able to eat. This was the first time in a while where I didn't go to a proper Super Bowl party, but I don't think I would have really liked being around all that food without being able to eat it. I'm getting really tired of being hooked up to things all the time. I'm glad to be out of the hospital, but I'm still frustrated being tied down to my wound vac and my TPN. I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow at Stanford; he had mentioned before that he might pull out the drains, which might be helpful to slow them down (because they may be sucking more than catching). Ashley unfortunately leaves tomorrow evening to return Thursday morning. I will miss her. She's been super helpful and she's a little piece of real home. But nursing school calls. She's going to be an amazing nurse. She already is; just missing her license. I'm a little tired. Sleep comes easier here but it still doesn't come easy.

Pray for:

Drain Stoppage! Now!

Good doctor visit

Safe travels to LA for Ash

Wound healing

Life Beyond

The past 24 hours have been exhausting, yet the end result is that Dan is resting and recovering outside of the hospital. Finally.

The doctors did their part yesterday by changing the wound vac early in the morning and writing up all of the discharge orders before noon. The nurses did their part by gathering up extra supplies and teaching us what we need to know. The case manager did her part by setting up home health and ordering Dan's IV meds for home use. I did my part by packing up the room and getting our stuff ready. Jamie did her part by driving to the hospital and getting our stuff in the car. Dan did his part by simply being ready to go.

With everyone doing their part, how did we get home so late? The meds we had to take to Lodi got delivered an hour late and the transporter found other things to occupy his time. Then, when finally in the car and driving, we got caught in terrible traffic. I mean terrible.

So, around 8 o'clock, we finally pulled onto Vienna Drive. It must have felt weird for Dan to be somewhere new for the first time in a month. Good weird.

We then proceeded to unload all of our supplies while waiting for Dan's home health nurse to arrive. Toni arrived at 10pm to begin the TPN and teach us how to use the new pump. The pump then proceeded not to work. Dan finally got TPN started at 11pm.

What next? We went to bed--together for the first time in a month! Expecting to have a lovely night of sleep compared to the hospital, we quickly discovered that medical equipment often refuses to cooperate and things do not go as planned. Dan's wound vac detected a leak in the suction seal, so it alarmed every 5 minutes or so unless we were holding the suction portion down. The "tug-boat" sound also proceeded to get louder.

Our night looked like this: bed at midnight, blood sugar check at 2 (he needed insulin but we didn't have a sliding scale), wound vac alarm at 3 (we tried repositioning first), wound vac alarm at 4 (the next hour was spent on the phone with the home health agency as I tried to fix the seal), wound vac alarm at 5:30, blood sugar check at 7, wound vac alarm at 7:30, medication at 8, dozing until 9:30 when home health agency called, new nurse showed up at 11 to fix wound vac...quiet for the first time in 12 hours. With all this waking up, we should have a baby around!

All that being said, it is nice to be home. We could sleep at least close together, lounge in our pjs, visit with friends and set our own schedule. As of now, I have gotten half of my homework done while Dan is catching up on some sleep. Though, it's med time, so I better wake him up soon.

Being a home health "nurse" will be interesting, as I'm doing things I'm used to just in different ways. TPN at night will be the biggest production, so I hope I do that appropriately tonight (first time without the nurse). Octreotide IVP every eight hours, blood sugar checks every 6 hours (Dan does these), empty JPs 2-3 times a day, etc. Thankfully, Dan's mom will step in to help Dan out when I go back to school. We can obviously handle being nurses, but it sure will be nice to go back to being "mom" and "wife"!

We are so thankful for all the support we have and that God has brought Dan this far. Please continue to pray for good news and confidence at Monday's doctor appointment.

Prayer Requests:
* Drying up of the drains (they've been changing colors a lot lately and not decreasing much, so this is a huge prayer)
* Continued wound healing
* No more problems with the IV pump or wound vac
* Sleep-filled nights
* Ability for Dan to go home to La Mirada very soon
* God's glory to be visible in this trial
* Focus so I can be a "nurse" and a student

Praise:
* Dan's out of the hospital!
* Great home health nurses
* Insurance coverage
* Flexible teachers at Biola
* God's grace is new every morning

Out

Dan is out of the hospital. Got out about 5:08p and drove through horrific traffic. Made it to Lodi around 8p. Now, we're waiting for the home health nurse to arrive.

It has been a long day, but a good day.

We are surrounded by home health supplies and are pretty wiped out.
Check back tomorrow for the extended version of today.

We have work to do...then sleep to sleep...together!

Prayer Requests:
* Drying up of the drains
* Quick learning for all of us doing home health
* Expedited wound healing
* Only needing home health for a short period of time
* Dan being able to go home to La Mirada with me...soon!

failblog- but not entirely

The food trial failed. My drains collected a lot more than usual, even when my eating was minimal. Perspective: last night, one drain put out 75mL in 8 hours; before the food trial, I was getting 40-50 combined for the whole day. Darn pancreas.

Now I'm back to NPO except water when I'm thirsty. I will have to go home on TPN; but the hidden gem of that sentence is that I'm going home. Tomorrow. That is sweet.

A few weeks ago, I had joked with Ashley that I had better go home before one extremely pregnant resident had her baby. She had her baby today. Fail.

So here's basically what life will look like at home (not my 'home' home, but my parents' home in Lodi--it's different once you're married):

TPN at night

Blood sugar checks about 4x/day

Wound vac changes 3x/week

PICC line dressing change once a week

NPO (no food)

Thankfully, no more IV meds

Weekly visits with the surgeon at Stanford (at least at first- frequency will probably go down after a while)

While I'm not really happy to be back on TPN, I know my pancreas isn't quite ready for food yet. Hopefully, the drains will dry up quickly like they did before when I was on TPN, and I won't have to be on it for too long. I'm not afraid of TPN really; I just want everything that is wrong to be righted, and I think the best way to do that is with TPN. Though it is far less fun.

This drain failure is a step back, but I am taking steps forward. It has been a long ordeal; it will be a little longer. Many of you have prayed for me; I would appreciate a continuation of that. I look forward to the day when I don't have to worry about my pancreas anymore. Until then...

Prayer requests:

Quick drying of the drains

Good healing of the wound

No return to the hospital (except for planned visits with the surgeon)

Ability to go home to La Mirada with Ashley

Aggravation

When I was little, my mom and grandma used to play Aggravation with my brother and I. It's that marble game that you must go around and get your marbles home without getting knocked off by other players. Just when you think you're about to win, someone comes up and kicks you back to the beginning. The only word to describe the game: aggravating.

That is how this hospital stay is beginning to feel.

After such great news yesterday, Dan and I felt as though maybe we were really getting to the end of this long haul. Dan has been eating very small amounts since last night and the drains looked great...until 2 o'clock. While the last shift's 8-hr total was 12 cc, one drain put out 30 cc in two and a half hours. Shoot. The nurse is paging the doctor to see what he wants to do. Does this increase mean the end of the food trial? Could this be just a short spike before things get better? Will this delay going home? After finally being able to eat (due to very low drain output), Dan is frustrated to be faced with NPO status again.

We are waiting for the doctor's opinion before getting too gloomy, but we're pretty bummed.
As far as we know, if Dan fails this food trial, he will be sent home on Friday on TPN. Dan has come to terms with that and just wants to get home. I suppose we just don't want the disappointment of not being able to eat to be compounded by the disappointment of not going home on Friday. Going home with TPN is not the end of the world, but it will get old pretty fast. I'm just unsure how long Dan would have to be on TPN before doing another food trial. In fact, we are just unsure of a lot.

On a good note, I'm back with Dan. I fly out of Sacramento of Sunday night, so please pray he is home by then! I'll be back again on Tuesday night. I'll be an airport pro in no time. It's wonderful to be back in the same place, I just that same place could be not the hospital!

Prayer requests:
* Drain stoppage...no more increase!
* Wisdom for the doctors
* Continued wound healing
* Surprise "passing grade" in the food trial
* Home on Friday! (one month is enough)
* Joy through the frustration
* My ability to get my homework done while away from school
* Good news....great news...soon

Praises:
* Dan's eating
* Safe travels
* Wound healing (the wound vac change showed great improvement today!)
* The last six M&Ms in my bag were blue, green, yellow, orange, red, brown...on accident :)

He sets the prisoners free

I do feel a little bit like I'm in prison. The doctor even used the same metaphor this morning. However, he seemed to indicate that I'll be released soon. Read on for some good news.

I'm having a CT today. I had to drink the nasty contrast stuff again. The first time was torture, the second time was easy, this one was also hard. But I got enough to get me down to the CT, for which I am waiting now by blogging these words.

My drains went down again! This time to 40 (and just think: I used to be in the 200's!). There are a few factors involved, such as the CT results (is there excess fluid in my body where it's not supposed to be?) and the drain output (will it go up now that I have downed so much liquid?), but so far... it's looking like I'm eating tomorrow. Doc had said before that 30-40 was a good place to try food, while the other, meaner, more experienced doc had said he wanted the drains dry first. So I guess we're going with the earlier plan. Should the drains maintain their low output (which would be SO excellent), I can go home with no TPN (which is SO excellent). Also, the team will pull back on the drains about an inch (did I mention this last time? I feel like I did), which could help even more with the drains. Maybe they'll do that anyway. On the other hand, if the drain output goes up, I'll go back on TPN for a little while.

But I'll be able to go home.

Basically, unless there is a new complication that is severely unstable, there won't be any deviation from the plan, and I can go home! Before the Super Bowl! I am excited.

Ashley comes back tonight. I'll need to take a nap later so I can be more than semi-awake when she arrives. Her teachers are being really nice to her and letting her use my eventual home-health care as part of a hodge-podge clinical. It sounds like things are really looking up.

Pray for:

NO DRAIN INCREASE!

No excess fluid on the CT

Going home on time

No drain increase :)

Safe plane trips for Ash

February-- seriously?

February has come upon us already. I only had a week of 2010 outside of the hospital, so it feels like I not only had my liver resected, but also my January.

Still not getting great sleep in the hospital. I was proud of myself for being able to get myself in bed with everything in reach without any assistance. Usually, I climb into bed, and Ashley sets everything up (making sure things are plugged in and that I have necessary items on my tray). Without my wonderful helper, I still managed to do it. But that doesn't mean I don't miss her.

Drains are back down to a low rate (the drain increase from yesterday turned out to be an anomaly). Tomorrow, I'm having a CT to make sure there's no fluid floating freely where it ought not. Some time after that, the doctors want to pull back on my drains (pull them out an inch or two and monitor the drain situation). Sometimes, the drains can suck more than catch leaks when they're in deep, so pulling them out a little might actually help the pancreas to heal a little better.

After being in here so long, I have made getting home my top priority instead of eating. The upcoming food trial the doctor had mentioned excited me before, because eating is just fantastic. But-- I've been here too long. I'd rather go home with TPN and wait until the pancreas is healed nicely than fail a food trial and add a couple days to my stay. After so many extensions of my stay, I am determined to be out by the newest estimation: the end of this week. I do NOT want to watch the Super Bowl from the hospital. Imagine: close game, 4th quarter, and someone walks in to take vitals. No. No. A thousand times, no.

My mom's here today; we walked outside again to the fountains. I have found that using my cane as well as the IV pole (well, I could even do without the pole) works very nicely to keep me from wobbling back and forth when I walk. I miss my wife. I've talked to her a few times today, which is nice, but-- well, you married people know what I'm talking about. It's not the same.

Pray for the usuals:

drain stoppage

rest

wisdom for the doctors

Ash and I as we're separated for a few days

FREEDOM