Dan and I have had some scary nights. Cancer diagnoses, blinding pain, kidney stones, bowel obstructions, surgeries, a misdiagnosed miscarriage (who turned out to be Abe!), a baby not moving much in my tummy, a croupy baby...the list could go on. The main thing about all of those nights was that we had each other to get through them with. Dan could calm my fears even when he was the one in pain. I could use nursing logic to explain symptoms or tests. We could hold each other until the morning came.
Our most recent scary night was different.
Saturday started pretty normally. We woke up slowly (or as slowly as we could with a 10-month-old), ate breakfast, I went for a run, Dan caught up on articles online and we got ready to get our garden started. We headed to Home Depot, and I noticed that Dan was a little grumpier than normal. By the time we were picking out plants, he was downright miserable. I figured he was just unhappy to be doing something he has basically zero interest in. After a stop at Costco, we headed home. During the drive, Dan complained that he was yawning a lot and that he was just not happy.
I went out to the backyard to get the new plants watered while a very tired Dan stayed inside to watch Abe. I told him to just come get me if he needed to lay down or something. A little while later when I came inside, I was greeted by a strange sight: Abe was alone in his playpen and Dan was completely asleep, draped over the arm of the couch. I made a lot of noise trying to wake him up (I was mad because he had left the baby alone), but he didn't move. I grabbed the baby and stomped into the bedroom so I could get cleaned up.
We had plans to have dinner with Dan's parents, so I let him sleep a bit and tried to wake him up. He kept asking for more time to sleep. Then, he started snapping at me. Dan is the most patient and kind man alive...he doesn't snap at me. Again, I responded poorly and told him to stay home because he was not going to be good company. He didn't listen to me, somehow woke up enough to go to dinner and we left.
Dan seemed ok at his parents' house, but everyone noticed he was tired. By 7:30pm, I had to take him home because he was falling asleep.
(Abe, on the other hand, had tons of energy). We gave Abe a bath, and I while I put Abe to bed, Dan fell asleep on the couch again.
I tried to wake him up three times. Each time I was met with indignation and refusal to do wake up. Dan was acting completely weird. I told him that I thought we should go to the doctor. He refused and insisted on going to bed. He had gotten so mean that I was crying. I told him that I was scared. His response? A cursory hug and "I'm going to bed. Turn out the light. Close the door." I followed his directions and promptly called his parents.
His mom and dad came over to let me explain what was going on and to talk to Dan themselves. They agreed that he was acting strange. He snapped at them, as well. Dr. Bob assured me that Dan did need to be seen, but that it could wait until morning.
As the night progressed, Dan switched from being overly sleepy to being unable to sleep. He tossed and turned and thrashed. Too hot, too cold, wanted me close, wanted me to leave. Nothing helped. Between Dan and a teething baby, not much sleep was had.
Morning finally came, I made a telephone appointment with Dan's doctor and the baby and I hung out until Dan got up. When Dan walked out of the bedroom, I was nervous. Who would this be? The loving, caring, normal Dan or the mean, confused and scary Dan?
Thank God, it was my normal Dan. He couldn't remember much of the evening, including portions of dinner or giving the baby a bath. He said that he felt confused and very foggy during the night. He apologized for acting so strangely and for yelling at me. We talked to his doctor who ordered lots of labs and told us to head to the ER if it happened again.
We had a restful Sunday with no weird happenings. Dan didn't even need a nap! He woke up this morning saying he had slept through the night
(as opposed to the other two members of the family) and felt good. All of his labs have come back normal so far, too.
He has an appointment with his oncologist on Wednesday, and we will be asking for some brain imaging just to be safe. He hasn't had his brain checked out since 2007! It is relatively unlikely that mets have ended up there, but not impossible.
I cannot explain how scary it was to have Dan with me but not be able to communicate with him. My anxiety got the best of me as I lay there with Dan unable to get comfortable and me unable to talk to him without getting snapped at. What if Dan's personality permanently changed? What if he couldn't remember other things? What if I could never trust him to watch Abe? Of course, the "what if's" could go on and on, but they are completely unhelpful.
God knows exactly what caused Dan's mind to take a break from functioning well. Perhaps He will let us find out or perhaps not. Hopefully, this will never happen again. If it does, and we cannot cling to each other, we can always cling to Him.
Please pray with us that Dan remains coherent and energetic and able to function normally. Pray also that his brain imaging scans come back clean--NO CANCER!
To reward those who read this whole post:
One year ago, Dan and Lise and I drove up north to Santa Rosa and Lodi to celebrate at my two family baby showers. I was growing bigger by the moment, the baby had successfully kicked out one of my ribs and caused a pinch nerve that took me out of work and we were READY to meet our little man.
