To our army of supporters :)

Well, the last time we updated anyone on here was almost 7 months ago. Oops. Life got busier and other things took priority over blogging...well, everything takes priority over blogging in my mind!
However, we acknowledge that there is a small army out there that loves us and takes time to pray for us and deserve to know what is going in our lives. Accordingly, I am going to TRY to jump back into this endeavor. Here goes...

Dan got out of the hospital after 5 days in July for the post-ablation abscess, went home with PICC line number 4 and a month of IV antibiotics given by his home health nurse: moi. He spent another 3 months on oral antibiotics. Yikes. He is still following up with the infectious disease doctor to monitor his infection/inflammatory status, though he is finally off of antibiotics.

Since I have a job with incredible insurance, we switched oncologists to one covered by said incredible insurance. I work with this oncologist all the time at the hospital, so it was easy to make the decision. He is compassionate, intelligent and very humble. Humility in MD terms means being able to admit not knowing something and calling someone who does know. He has already told us that he has the nation's leading neuroendocrine expert attached to Dan's file in case he needs treatment options. Good to know, though we hope he never has to make that call!

As far the status of Dan's cancer, we've been in the longest "watch and see" phase of this journey. Dan thinks this is awesome; I think this is scary. The scary factor is increasing daily by the fact that Dan will be having a CT on Monday (Feb 13th). We'll meet with his oncologist a week after that to hear the news. God willing, the news will be "nothing new". Dan is expecting nothing different. I hope he's right. Please pray that we get EXCELLENT news from the oncologist.

In other news, by the end of the week, Dan and I will be officially free of college loans! Woohoo! Now, we can start saving our money toward other things. What are these "other things" you may ask? A down-payment on a house (in a few years), a new car (when ours eventually die), and babies.

Yes, I said it. Babies.

No, I am not pregnant. Not right now, but not for lack of trying.

We've been hesitant to discuss this issue in our lives because it seems trivial or too personal. Also, it hurts to talk about. Yet, in blogging about our lives and Dan's battle with cancer, this is something integral.

4 and a half years ago, Dan was fighting for his life after receiving a terrible diagnosis. I told God that I would be happy to have to worry about infertility because that would mean Dan at least survived. Years of prayer and medical treatments and surgeries have allowed for Dan to be healthy and thriving. There is always the fear of the cancer returning, but we choose (most days) to live in the blessing of the present. I daily praise God that my husband is alive. This is a miracle.

A while ago, Dan and I decided to start trying to have children. This in effect simply meant not trying to not have children. We have both seen doctors who have given us some 'prognosis' of our chances. Dan's chemo has hindered his fertility. I will spare the world the details, but suffice it to say: less than normal but not zero. Right now, we are working with the thought that conceiving a baby on our own is possible but not very likely. We both knew this was a reality of cancer treatments.

With every drop of Taxol or Carboplatin, Dan stepped closer to surviving and stepped further from being a father. I cannot imagine my life without him and pray that I will never have to find out. However, we are now living with a different and biting kind of grief. We may never be parents.

As we watch our friends have babies or see pictures of ultrasounds on Facebook, sadness always mixes with our excitement for them. There is a box of pregnancy tests in my drawer that I'll probably never need. There are 49er pacifiers in Dan's closet that will probably never be opened. We may never have onesies or baby socks in our laundry pile. We may never know the exhaustion of sleepless nights with an infant. We may never get to hear our parents argue about which side of the family the baby looks like.

I apologize if this sounds like a pity party. That is not my intention. We just want our loved ones to know this is our reality right now. Dan and I are blessed immeasurably with jobs and relative health and amazing families and a wonderful church...and love. I mean, we are seriously still head-over-heels in love with each other. Man, I got a good one!

All that being said, we are hurting. Hopeful, but hurting.

This doesn't mean we don't want to hear your good news or that I won't try to borrow your babies for a cuddle-fest. This also doesn't mean that you can't ask us about it. Good grief, every day we hear someone ask us why we're taking so long to start a family. It's okay. Just know that you might win the lottery and end up with me sobbing on your shoulder as I tell you why we don't have a baby yet. I don't mind if you don't mind!

We have been waiting for loans to be paid off and for Dan's next CT scan before making an appointment with a fertility doctor. By the end of the month, both of these things will be done. So, expect an update of some sort in the next month or so.

(For those of you concerned that we are not mentioning adoption--we're not against it AT ALL. There are, however, some major hurdles to jump over because of Dan's health history. I'll write about this another day.)

We don't want this to be a burden of knowledge on our friends or family. But, we do need your support. We need prayer! God has never promised to give us children, but that doesn't mean He won't. Please join us in prayer as we press onward in this new journey together. Prayer for God to intervene and allow a natural pregnancy so we don't have to take out more loans for fertility treatments (Insurance covers abortions but now fertility treatments. Sad). Prayer for peace and contentment with our blessings. Prayer for wise doctors and good advice. Prayer that this will drive Dan and I closer together in love and commitment.

Alright, that's enough for now. If you read this far--thank you. It feels good to not be so alone in this. We love you and will try to be better 'pen pals' in the near future!