Major Prayer Request

For my entire life, I have been a worry wort. Everyone who knows me well, knows this. What everyone does not know is that I am a bit more than a worrisome person. I have OCD and an anxiety disorder. Now, I don't mean I just get a bit nervous or like things  a certain way. I mean, my brain does not work normally. 

My counselor describes it this way: we all have a warning light in our brains that tell that something isn't right or is dangerous. My warning light doesn't stop going off. Accordingly, I live in a near constant state of high-alert and some level of fear. Sometimes, the fear escalates and turns into a full panic attack that leaves me unable to function or think beyond that which has me scared. 

These attacks were getting so prevalent last year that my counselor felt I had plateaued with therapy and needed medication. I was extremely resistant, so I kept trying. I then reached a point where my worst fear would become reality in my mind. 

(Example: I would give an injection very carefully and know that I had not poked myself. However, the thing I feared most was getting stuck and getting HIV. Therefore, I would become sure that that was exactly what had happened. Like, really sure.)

I was miserable, and though he denies it, I'm sure Dan was miserable, too. When I came home from work "knowing" that I had hit a pedestrian on my way home (though I really hadn't), I gave into my counselor's advice.

I was on meds for about 6 months and both of us noticed a huge difference. Sure, I still worried about things, but I could worry about reality instead of my brain's misconstrued fictions. I felt good.

Last May, I successfully weaned off the meds as they could interfere with conception. I still felt relatively under control, like my brain had been reset for the better.

Unfortunately, this improvement has vanished since becoming pregnant. The doctor says that the hormones negatively effect my OCD. I say my OCD has gotten out of control. Mainly, I worry about the baby. Everything I do, I worry about hurting the baby: slamming on the brakes, eating most foods (listeria hysteria), going to work, etc. I also worry about my old fears of needle sticks and contamination...a lot. I simply cannot convince myself that I am healthy and able to have this baby. My panic attacks are getting more frequent and I feel like I am losing my mind. My mind is once again replacing reality with my worst fears. 

I am grateful that I am pregnant, but I cannot be joyful or excited. I am always afraid that if I get too happy, something bad will happen. If I buy maternity clothes, I'll lose the baby. If I start to plan, I'll get listeria. Seriously, this is how my brain has been working. So, please forgive me if I haven't been readily jubilant or forthcoming with information about my pregnancy. My OCD brain won't allow it.

After discussing this with my OB for the last couple months, we have decided that the risk to the baby is greater with my panicking and lack of functioning than with the medication. Dan and I have done our research about the medication and I have been given approval by my OB and GP to start them up again. 

(Actually, I spoke to my GP on the phone today and tearfully explained my current situation. She was incredibly encouraging, telling me that I am not crazy and that my mental health is just as important to the baby as my physical health. She has already done extensive research on pregnancy-safe meds and was ready with answers for me. She told me to remember that babies are much stronger than we give them credit for, but that no one should be looking down on me for my fears. She's also allowing me to go in for regular blood work to help me know that I haven't gotten anything at work.)

All that to say, I am hoping for a couple months of sanity in which I can actually enjoy this pregnancy. 

I'll start the meds tomorrow morning at a nice low dose, and we're praying they work like last time. 

Obviously, this is not something I have been eager to share with the world. I am weary of labels and the stigma of mental health problems. Yet, this is part of me and is a real problem that people deal with all over the world. The first step toward helping people with mental disorders is people shedding light on them. This disease is not made up in my mind or me being weak in my faith. There is a chemical imbalance that stops me from thinking properly. 

I try to spend a lot of time in the Word and have Scriptures on my walls. I pray constantly and I know that God is stronger than anything I fear. But, just like Dan got chemo as we trusted God for healing, I am taking meds as I trust God for healing.

Please, please pray for us. It is not just me dealing with this. Dan puts me back together daily; he is the only one who can talk me down. He uses logic to try to invade my brain for the better. I long to be happy and joyous and excited. I want to be able to love Dan without fear. I need to be able to work without constant fear. I need lots of prayer.