Tremble

Tomorrow, I will feel a very familiar feeling. The feeling in which every nerve in my body twitches ever so slightly so that I am never sitting still. Shivers will cascade down my spine every few minutes. My breathing will quicken along with my heartbeat. My focus will scatter and disappear. Every click-clack of shoes walking by will pump more adrenaline into my blood stream. I will probably eat at least 3 pieces of gum in rapid succession.

The CT scan is done and probably even read by now. Someone knows whether or not we will rejoice or mourn. Someone knows whether or not the nervousness welling up in my soul is justified. If only that someone, a radiologist, knew he was so lucky.

As is usual, Dan is confident and calm. I am neither of those--not because I don't trust God to be faithful, but because my humanity doesn't deserve any more grace.

Of course, we never deserve grace, yet God gives it freely.

Tomorrow, we will know. Until then, I tremble.