One year ago...

One year ago, Dan and Lise and I drove up north to Santa Rosa and Lodi to celebrate at my two family baby showers. I was growing bigger by the moment, the baby had successfully kicked out one of my ribs and caused a pinch nerve that took me out of work and we were READY to meet our little man.

 I mean, just look at my blossoming (see what I did there?) belly! 

Fast forward to now...look at our little man growing like a weed!

For the record, I like him growing outside my belly more than I liked him growing inside. Now, when he thrashes and kicks, my ribs and bladder don't take all the abuse. Well, at least not always!

And now, Abe can be held by his daddy, too.

A scary night.

Dan and I have had some scary nights. Cancer diagnoses, blinding pain, kidney stones, bowel obstructions, surgeries,  a misdiagnosed miscarriage (who turned out to be Abe!), a baby not moving much in my tummy, a croupy baby...the list could go on. The main thing about all of those nights was that we had each other to get through them with. Dan could calm my fears even when he was the one in pain. I could use nursing logic to explain symptoms or tests. We could hold each other until the morning came.

Our most recent scary night was different.

Saturday started pretty normally. We woke up slowly (or as slowly as we could with a 10-month-old), ate breakfast, I went for a run, Dan caught up on articles online and we got ready to get our garden started. We headed to Home Depot, and I noticed that Dan was a little grumpier than normal. By the time we were picking out plants, he was downright miserable. I figured he was just unhappy to be doing something he has basically zero interest in. After a stop at Costco, we headed home. During the drive, Dan complained that he was yawning a lot and that he was just not happy.

I went out to the backyard to get the new plants watered while a very tired Dan stayed inside to watch Abe. I told him to just come get me if he needed to lay down or something. A little while later when I came inside, I was greeted by a strange sight: Abe was alone in his playpen and Dan was completely asleep, draped over the arm of the couch. I made a lot of noise trying to wake him up (I was mad because he had left the baby alone), but he didn't move. I grabbed the baby and stomped into the bedroom so I could get cleaned up.

We had plans to have dinner with Dan's parents, so I let him sleep a bit and tried to wake him up. He kept asking for more time to sleep. Then, he started snapping at me. Dan is the most patient and kind man alive...he doesn't snap at me. Again, I responded poorly and told him to stay home because he was not going to be good company. He didn't listen to me, somehow woke up enough to go to dinner and we left.

Dan seemed ok at his parents' house, but everyone noticed he was tired. By 7:30pm, I had to take him home because he was falling asleep. (Abe, on the other hand, had tons of energy). We gave Abe a bath, and I while I put Abe to bed, Dan fell asleep on the couch again.

I tried to wake him up three times. Each time I was met with indignation and refusal to do wake up. Dan was acting completely weird. I told him that I thought we should go to the doctor. He refused and insisted on going to bed. He had gotten so mean that I was crying. I told him that I was scared. His response? A cursory hug and "I'm going to bed. Turn out the light. Close the door." I followed his directions and promptly called his parents.

His mom and dad came over to let me explain what was going on and to talk to Dan themselves. They agreed that he was acting strange. He snapped at them, as well. Dr. Bob assured me that Dan did need to be seen, but that it could wait until morning.

As the night progressed, Dan switched from being overly sleepy to being unable to sleep. He tossed and turned and thrashed. Too hot, too cold, wanted me close, wanted me to leave. Nothing helped. Between Dan and a teething baby, not much sleep was had.

Morning finally came, I made a telephone appointment with Dan's doctor and the baby and I hung out until Dan got up. When Dan walked out of the bedroom, I was nervous. Who would this be? The loving, caring, normal Dan or the mean, confused and scary Dan?

Thank God, it was my normal Dan. He couldn't remember much of the evening, including portions of dinner or giving the baby a bath. He said that he felt confused and very foggy during the night. He apologized for acting so strangely and for yelling at me. We talked to his doctor who ordered lots of labs and told us to head to the ER if it happened again.

We had a restful Sunday with no weird happenings. Dan didn't even need a nap! He woke up this morning saying he had slept through the night (as opposed to the other two members of the family) and felt good. All of his labs have come back normal so far, too.

He has an appointment with his oncologist on Wednesday, and we will be asking for some brain imaging just to be safe. He hasn't had his brain checked out since 2007! It is relatively unlikely that mets have ended up there, but not impossible.

I cannot explain how scary it was to have Dan with me but not be able to communicate with him. My anxiety got the best of me as I lay there with Dan unable to get comfortable and me unable to talk to him without getting snapped at. What if Dan's personality permanently changed? What if he couldn't remember other things? What if I could never trust him to watch Abe? Of course, the "what if's" could go on and on, but they are completely unhelpful.

God knows exactly what caused Dan's mind to take a break from functioning well. Perhaps He will let us find out or perhaps not. Hopefully, this will never happen again. If it does, and we cannot cling to each other, we can always cling to Him.

Please pray with us that Dan remains coherent and energetic and able to function normally. Pray also that his brain imaging scans come back clean--NO CANCER!

To reward those who read this whole post:

Receiving well.

In the past week, we have received several new gifts for our home. 

One is the fireplace insert, in front of which I am writing this post. For someone who loves warmth and coziness (and a less expensive electricity bill), this is a perfect gift. 

Another gift is a decorative block that holds the baby's jumper seat, which happens to be in the shape of a TARDIS. For a couple who have fallen into the nerdy sphere of Doctor Who, this makes watching the baby bounce while we work even more fun.

Yet another gift? Decaf coffee and tea as someone noticed I was running low. 

All of these gifts came from my in-laws. My father-in-law (another Whovian) actually carved the TARDIS, which is honestly a work of art. My mother-in-law noticed my hot drink depletion while babysitting Abe so Dan and I could go on a much-needed date night. 

While the tangible gifts are wonderful and are already being enjoyed daily, there is something intangible hidden in the hands of the givers: family. I have been blessed with a large, loving family of my own, and while at Biola, I was blessed with an amazing church family at Redeemer. Neither of these families is replaced by my in-laws, but my concept of family has been enriched and stretched.

Moving to Lodi, I felt alone and isolated without friends to enjoy the time with or a job outside the home. The last 6 months have been a growing, stretching time for Dan and I, and have held the potential for relational discord. However, we have been lovingly supported by his parents in extraordinary ways.

Have you seen Everybody Loves Raymond? If so, you would know that Ray's mother tends to come on over to their house whenever she wants and his father tends to assert his opinions rather frequently. For the sake of honesty, this is what I was afraid of, though I can readily admit that neither of my in-laws possessed the level of boisterousness or obliviousness necessary to re-create Ray's household!

Instead of this scenario coming to pass, I have been humbled by their ability to help without taking over, admonish without directing and gifting without expecting anything in return. The individualistic cynic in me wants to re-pay them for everything they have done or given us, as I do not like being in the debt of others. Yet, God has finally broken through a tiny crack in my soul to soften my heart.

I have always been grateful, but I am not good at receiving gifts. As my in-laws have showered us over and over again, it is as if God is using them to teach my stubborn spirit to receive well. Though the blessings continue to tumble through our door, they will never amount to the Gift that I received so long ago.

If I cannot receive a box of tea or a restored light fixture, how will I ever be able to receive the gift of Christ and His resurrection? If the offer to babysit our son so that we can strengthen our marriage seems too much, how can I embrace the gift of God's son given to cover my sins? If the purchase of a lunch seems extravagant, how ever will my mind wrestle with Jesus' death to purchase my soul?

Thank you, Bob and Jamie for being instruments of grace in our lives during this transition year. Thank you for the many gifts you have blessed us with. Forgive us (me) if we do not express our gratitude enough. I am humbled by your acceptance and love for me despite my ability to be distinctly difficult at times.

Moreover, thank you, Jesus, for breaking down strongholds and taking thoughts captive. Thank you for my salvation, for my life and for never turning your back to me. Thank you for using my in-laws to soften my ability to receive well.

Recipe for a messy afternoon

Yesterday, I was inducted into the world of messy parenting. I'm sure that something will happen down the road, possibly today or tomorrow, that will make our afternoon yesterday look like a piece of cake. BUT, for now, yesterday deserves documentation.

Step 1: Set the stage for a tired mama and cranky baby by not letting baby sleep through the night or allowing his mama to put him down for any stretch of time.

Step 2: Let the mama finally get dressed by putting baby in jumper. 

Step 3: Lull the mama into false sense of diapering security by not having a blow-out in weeks. Thus, when the sound of a diaper being filled occurs, she will nonchalantly pick baby up out of jumper without caution.

Step 4: Accidentally allow baby to squirm incessantly on changing table before the mama realizes that something has gone awry in the diaper department.

Step 5: Pull off pants before recognizing signs of a blow-out, thus spreading poop down baby's legs. 

Step 6: Panic momentarily, regain composure, begin to remove onesie. Onesie is full of poop, up to baby's shoulder blades. Attempt to devise strategy to remove onesie without causing too much damage. 

Step 7: Unsuccessfully prevent baby from flipping over during onesie removal. Panic upon noting that poop now covers baby's back and arms and hair.

Step 8: Try to calm angry baby who has figured out that he does not like having poop on his hands and tries to wipe on walls and changing table. 

Step 9: Strip baby, wipe down as best possible while he lays on his belly (because laying on his back is unacceptable).

Step 10: This is where the mess really takes off...foolishly place naked, undiapered baby in crib while hurriedly running a bath. Return to baby standing proudly in a pee covered crib and see pee-moistened carpet.

Step 11: Pray that husband is coming home soon and carry naked, pee and slightly poopy baby to bathtub. Wash off as much of baby as possible while baby tries to stand up in tub or eat the faucet.

Step 12: Carry clean baby to makeshift changing table to wrestle diaper onto baby's butt. Praise the LORD when husband opens front door during this process.

Step 13: Hand diapered but unclothed baby to husband and enlist his help in trying to clean up the disaster-zone in the baby's room.

Step 14: After cleaning pee off the crib and poop off the changing table/wall, rinsing poopy baby clothes and starting a load of laundry, get in shower to get poop off of the mama.

Step 15: Pick-up a clean but angry baby to nurse, thank husband profusely for assistance after his long day at work and take a short nap with the baby.

Thankfully, messes can be cleaned and laundry washed. Babies will only be babies for a little while. For now, I am going to be grateful for a baby who wants to cuddle all day because he's teething instead of irritated that I cannot clean the house. Also, I am going to applaud all single parents and parents of multiples...wow.

This is why God makes babies so cute.

Post-Year Recap: 2013

2013 has been quite the year. As the clock ticks closer to midnight, Dan and I are going to review the craziness, happiness, sadness, joy, frustration and blessings.

January:

I interviewed and was hired for a job in an oncology office.

We found out definitively that we were having a boy.

February:

Working, working, working.

We started birthing classes.

Dan's MRI showed a couple of questionable liver spots.

Lots of lessons in humility and trusting God to get through rough days.

I went into pre-term labor, but the doctor was able to stop contractions and keep the baby growing.

March:

Dan turned 26.

Baby shower #1.

Bought a car for the first time.

Due to issues at my new job, discussions began regarding Dan finding a new position that included health insurance OR me transitioning to another position.

April:

The baby popped out my rib, which pinched a nerve, which caused the doctor to put me on early maternity leave. This was easily one of the best blessings in disguise. My work situation had gotten so stressful that I was having contractions very consistently. I highly doubt I would have carried the pregnancy to term if I had continued working. 

Baby showers #2 and #3.

May:

We set up the nursery. By "we", I mean Dan.

I watched a lot of Netflix and ate a lot of protein. There was a lot of cat-cuddling involved.

I went into labor May 21st...

Dan had a phone interview for a new job while I was at the hospital.

Abraham Theodore was born at 11:45am on May 22, 2013.

We took our son home on May 24th.

My mama stayed to help us for a week.

June:

Dr. Bob turned 60 and celebrated with all of his kids in one place, plus his first grandchild.

Dan interviewed for a job at Jim Elliot Christian High School (by flying to and from Lodi in the same day).

Dan was offered the job.

We started looking at houses from afar...in Lodi.

Abe went to his first wedding.

We started packing up the apartment.

July:

Dan had a splenic embolization at Stanford.

We put an offer on a house.

Abe got his first set of shots.

We finished packing up the apartment.

We said goodbye to Redeemer Church.

We moved to Lodi and stayed with Dan's parents until our house was ready.

August:

Dan started working at Jim Elliot Christian (JECHS), teaching math and Bible. He didn't know exactly what he was teaching until the week before school started. This made preparations difficult, to say the least.

We celebrated 5 years of marriage.

We moved into our new house!

Dan started coaching football.

Dan got sick and needed to have paracenteses #1 and #2.

September:

I turned 26.

We gained health insurance just in time for Abe to get croup.

Dan continued to have a swollen belly and general malaise. Appointments with our new Kaiser doctors followed. Dan met his new PCP, oncologist and gastroenterologist. He started several new meds.

Life was a little rough. Between football, curriculum development, teaching, homework and being sick, Dan was not as available as he wanted to be. I assumed primary baby and house care.

Abe started having tummy issues, which resulted in no dairy, eggs, chicken, fish, peanuts or soy for me.

October:

The Red Sox won the World Series.

Dan's brother Matt got married, which meant Abe went on his first airplane trip.

Abe celebrated his first Halloween.

November:

First trip to Apple Hill for Abe and me.

Football season over for Dan with a record of 4-6.

Dan had an endoscopy which showed that his liver problems had caused problems with his esophagus, requiring more medication.

Abe started eating some solid food.

My eating restrictions ended. Yay!

Abe's first Thanksgiving.

December:

Semester over for Dan.

Many, many parent and staff meetings.

Abe's first Christmas. We celebrated Christmas Eve in Lodi with Bob and Jamie, Christmas morning with just the 3 of us at home and Christmas day with my family in Santa Rosa.

We made it to today!

We are so very thankful for all of the blessings we have had this year. We just cannot imagine life without our little man (who is currently fighting sleep very loudly). Our first house is perfect for us and already feels like home. We love being closer to family, though still sorely miss our church family and Biola communities.

It has been difficult for our marriage at times, but commitment and loyalty have pulled us through. We are in love and working on loving each other out loud.

Dan's health is stable for now. He's taking a few meds to sustain his fluid levels, but is otherwise looking and feeling great. 

As for 2014, we just don't know what it will hold. God-willing, it will include Abe's first birthday (steps, teeth, etc.) and an extended contract for Dan. Hopefully, Dan's health will improve to the point that he doesn't need so many meds. Also, we're hoping to see some miracles (Geoff Dykstra's healing, people coming to know Christ).

Will I started working again part-time? Possibly.

Will we continue growing our family? Whenever God wants and so blesses us.

Will we press forward in our spiritual growth and pull closer in our marriage? We absolutely hope so.

Happy New Year 2014! 

(I honestly can't believe we're still awake!) 

One tough cookie

Dan has had a rough few months. There's no way around it. Summers have just never been too great for him. We keep hoping for a summer with no surgeries!

May: Brand new baby! Exciting and exhausting.
June: Interviewed for new job by flying to NorCal and back in the same day. Began packing process and looking for a new house.
July: Spleen surgery. Pain, lethargy, pleural effusion, ER trip. Still packing and caring for brand new baby. Moved to Lodi.
August: Started new job. Belly swelling, still tired and hurting. Moved into new house with wife with bad back. Paracentesis #1.
September: Still teaching and coaching. Paracentesis #2. Still swollen and tired. Lots of doctor appointments. New meds. Nearly collapsing at football game from severe leg cramps.

Dan has endured this with very little complaining. He is dealing with health issues while working nearly non-stop and helping to raise a tiny human. He is constantly surrounded by papers to grade. He still smiles at his son. He still does dishes when he has the time. He still tries to make me feel loved (ie. letting me shower or run while he watches the baby).

Please join me in praying for Dan's healing. He needs some time of peace and comfort. He needs to be able to get healthy again so he can catch up on his work. He has a job that is very close to being perfect for him, but he's too tired to do it as well as he wants. He wants to feel good enough to play on the floor with Abe. Dan just needs to feel better.

As his wife, it is getting harder and harder to watch Dan be sick. I hate it. I try to trust God for His timing, but I'm getting frustrated and impatient. I'm not proud of it, but I feel like Dan's been forgotten.

Before someone jumps to remind me, I do know we have been immeasurably blessed. Baby, house, great job, insurance. Please do not assume that I am not grateful. I'm just sad.

Please pray for my tough cookie. He'll never complain to anyone else, but he feels bad. Pray for healing: complete and fast. Pray for endurance. Pray for God to change my heart if He isn't going to change the circumstances. Pray that I can support Dan as much as possible by taking care of the baby and our home. Pray for our marriage. Pray for peace and trust in the LORD. Just pray.

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.


Abraham likes to be sung to...sometimes. Most times, he just likes to wiggle and squirm and kick his legs and drool. Sometimes, though, he calms down when I sing to him. Aside from the stupid songs that I change the lyrics to as we play, this is the song that I sing the most. It seems easier to make my soul be still when a little human is cuddled close to my chest. His sweet, trusting breaths remind me that I too am being held close to Christ.

That being said, there is a lot going on nowadays that makes my mind race and my heart stumble.


Good things:
We are nearly settled into our new house. Abe is sleeping through the night occasionally (yay!). The cats have made their domain in the garage, though still like to cuddle. Dan is teaching and coaching football. I am busy being a housewife, though I am no June Cleever!

We are being spoiled being so close to family. My mother-in-law mopped my house and my father-in-law changed my flat tire! 'Thank you' will never be enough.

Dan's insurance has kicked in, and we are starting the process of getting hooked into Kaiser. I am realizing that we were insanely blessed to have insurance through my work, as we paid very little for our medical care and surgeries and testing. Our medical bills will be significantly higher now, but at least we have coverage!


Not so good things:
Dan is still suffering from complications from his spleen surgery in July. I thought the pain and lethargy right after was bad, but Dan is still having trouble. About a month after the surgery, his belly starting swelling. The doc said it was normal for a little bit. The swelling continued and then got worse. The last time I posted, Dan was getting his belly drained (paracentesis) for the first time. He felt a lot better...then his belly starting swelling again. A couple weeks ago, Dan woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me he was in a lot of pain and his belly was too big. So, his dad took him to the ER where he was fast tracked (his dad is a doctor at the hospital in town) through to another paracentesis. Each time, they have drained off almost 5 liters, and he feels better for a day or two. Each time, he starts to swell again.

Truthfully speaking: it sucks.

Dan is tired a lot and busy, so when he gets home, he has little energy to enjoy family time. This makes both of us sad. The summer was just so crazy, he hasn't had much time to recover or rest. The best thing would just be for his health to cooperate!

Anyway, Dan's first appointment with his Kaiser primary has led to a new medication and appointments with two more doctors within the week--a gastroenterologist and a new oncologist. Due to Dan's extensive and complicated history, the primary MD stated that Dan would be allowed to continue follow-up with his main doctor at Stanford (yay!). Of course, there will be a lot of paperwork, but this was encouraging news!

The doctors' main concern is that Dan's spleen is HUGE and the inflammation is still producing way more fluid and swelling (ascites) than what was expected. Since Dan's liver is swiss cheese (Dan's description) and his GI organs have taken a beating, the Kaiser primary thought it best to enlist the help of an MD who specializes in GI organs. Also, Dan's new oncologist is the chief of Oncology in Sacramento. We're hoping for encouraging news and a way to make Dan feel better.

This man deserves a break. I really hate seeing him hurting and tired.


Prayer requests:
* A solution for Dan's ascites
* No new cancer...EVER
* Settling into our new roles
* Health for our little man
* Financial security with medical bills and such
* Peace for our souls and hearts to trust God