Restless hearts

No, this is not a post-Valentine's Day let-down blog.
(I actually had an amazing Valentine's Day! I worked, so we couldn't go out to celebrate or anything. BUT Dan had plans for the day. I came home to a house full of good-smelling candles everywhere, French toast cooking in the kitchen, chocolates on the table (from Dan's classes) and the most beautiful bouquet of red and white tulips waiting in the bedroom. We sat in our PJs, ate dinner by candlelight, exchanged love letters, and snuggled. I mean honestly. It boggles my mind that this guy loves me like he does.)

On to the real purpose of this entry: my own restless heart. I am not restless out of unrequited love or disappointment. My heart is restless out of fear and worry. This is the opposite of what God has called me to be. I have always been a self-proclaimed worrier, but I really need to work on this sinful part of my character. Yes, worrying is sinful. God knows all and loves me perfectly. Worrying says I do not trust God or think Him big enough to handle my life. Yikes.

God reminded me of this today during devotions. I read Streams in the Desert everyday, and today's writing hit home. Here's an excerpt--a poem by Edith Willis Linn:

Dear restless heart, be still; don’t fret and worry so;

God has a thousand ways His love and help to show;

Just trust, and trust, and trust, until His will you know.

Dear restless heart, be still, for peace is God’s own smile,

His love can every wrong and sorrow reconcile;

Just love, and love, and love, and calmly wait awhile.

Dear restless heart, be brave; don’t moan and sorrow so,

He hath a meaning kind in chilly winds that blow;

Just hope, and hope, and hope, until you braver grow.

Dear restless heart, repose upon His breast this hour,

His grace is strength and life, His love is bloom and flower;

Just rest, and rest, and rest, within His tender power.

Dear restless heart, be still! Don’t struggle to be free;

God’s life is in your life, from Him you may not flee;

Just pray, and pray, and pray, till you have faith to see.

Awesome. What do I need to do? Trust, love, hope, rest and pray. That's it.

Instead of thinking that Dan's oncologist won't speak to me at work because Dan's CT was bad, perhaps the doctor is just busy! (duh)
Instead of imagining that Dan and I are in incredibly in love because we won't have a long marriage to enjoy it, maybe we are just blessed with an amazing love story!
Instead of dwelling on the "what ifs", maybe I should just praise Him for what I have now.
Instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop, perhaps I should just keep walking on the path God has us on.

Oh, Lord help me to trust you more and more.

To our army of supporters :)

Well, the last time we updated anyone on here was almost 7 months ago. Oops. Life got busier and other things took priority over blogging...well, everything takes priority over blogging in my mind!
However, we acknowledge that there is a small army out there that loves us and takes time to pray for us and deserve to know what is going in our lives. Accordingly, I am going to TRY to jump back into this endeavor. Here goes...

Dan got out of the hospital after 5 days in July for the post-ablation abscess, went home with PICC line number 4 and a month of IV antibiotics given by his home health nurse: moi. He spent another 3 months on oral antibiotics. Yikes. He is still following up with the infectious disease doctor to monitor his infection/inflammatory status, though he is finally off of antibiotics.

Since I have a job with incredible insurance, we switched oncologists to one covered by said incredible insurance. I work with this oncologist all the time at the hospital, so it was easy to make the decision. He is compassionate, intelligent and very humble. Humility in MD terms means being able to admit not knowing something and calling someone who does know. He has already told us that he has the nation's leading neuroendocrine expert attached to Dan's file in case he needs treatment options. Good to know, though we hope he never has to make that call!

As far the status of Dan's cancer, we've been in the longest "watch and see" phase of this journey. Dan thinks this is awesome; I think this is scary. The scary factor is increasing daily by the fact that Dan will be having a CT on Monday (Feb 13th). We'll meet with his oncologist a week after that to hear the news. God willing, the news will be "nothing new". Dan is expecting nothing different. I hope he's right. Please pray that we get EXCELLENT news from the oncologist.

In other news, by the end of the week, Dan and I will be officially free of college loans! Woohoo! Now, we can start saving our money toward other things. What are these "other things" you may ask? A down-payment on a house (in a few years), a new car (when ours eventually die), and babies.

Yes, I said it. Babies.

No, I am not pregnant. Not right now, but not for lack of trying.

We've been hesitant to discuss this issue in our lives because it seems trivial or too personal. Also, it hurts to talk about. Yet, in blogging about our lives and Dan's battle with cancer, this is something integral.

4 and a half years ago, Dan was fighting for his life after receiving a terrible diagnosis. I told God that I would be happy to have to worry about infertility because that would mean Dan at least survived. Years of prayer and medical treatments and surgeries have allowed for Dan to be healthy and thriving. There is always the fear of the cancer returning, but we choose (most days) to live in the blessing of the present. I daily praise God that my husband is alive. This is a miracle.

A while ago, Dan and I decided to start trying to have children. This in effect simply meant not trying to not have children. We have both seen doctors who have given us some 'prognosis' of our chances. Dan's chemo has hindered his fertility. I will spare the world the details, but suffice it to say: less than normal but not zero. Right now, we are working with the thought that conceiving a baby on our own is possible but not very likely. We both knew this was a reality of cancer treatments.

With every drop of Taxol or Carboplatin, Dan stepped closer to surviving and stepped further from being a father. I cannot imagine my life without him and pray that I will never have to find out. However, we are now living with a different and biting kind of grief. We may never be parents.

As we watch our friends have babies or see pictures of ultrasounds on Facebook, sadness always mixes with our excitement for them. There is a box of pregnancy tests in my drawer that I'll probably never need. There are 49er pacifiers in Dan's closet that will probably never be opened. We may never have onesies or baby socks in our laundry pile. We may never know the exhaustion of sleepless nights with an infant. We may never get to hear our parents argue about which side of the family the baby looks like.

I apologize if this sounds like a pity party. That is not my intention. We just want our loved ones to know this is our reality right now. Dan and I are blessed immeasurably with jobs and relative health and amazing families and a wonderful church...and love. I mean, we are seriously still head-over-heels in love with each other. Man, I got a good one!

All that being said, we are hurting. Hopeful, but hurting.

This doesn't mean we don't want to hear your good news or that I won't try to borrow your babies for a cuddle-fest. This also doesn't mean that you can't ask us about it. Good grief, every day we hear someone ask us why we're taking so long to start a family. It's okay. Just know that you might win the lottery and end up with me sobbing on your shoulder as I tell you why we don't have a baby yet. I don't mind if you don't mind!

We have been waiting for loans to be paid off and for Dan's next CT scan before making an appointment with a fertility doctor. By the end of the month, both of these things will be done. So, expect an update of some sort in the next month or so.

(For those of you concerned that we are not mentioning adoption--we're not against it AT ALL. There are, however, some major hurdles to jump over because of Dan's health history. I'll write about this another day.)

We don't want this to be a burden of knowledge on our friends or family. But, we do need your support. We need prayer! God has never promised to give us children, but that doesn't mean He won't. Please join us in prayer as we press onward in this new journey together. Prayer for God to intervene and allow a natural pregnancy so we don't have to take out more loans for fertility treatments (Insurance covers abortions but now fertility treatments. Sad). Prayer for peace and contentment with our blessings. Prayer for wise doctors and good advice. Prayer that this will drive Dan and I closer together in love and commitment.

Alright, that's enough for now. If you read this far--thank you. It feels good to not be so alone in this. We love you and will try to be better 'pen pals' in the near future!

New hospital, same old story.

After nearly 3 weeks with fevers post-ablation, Dan has landed in the hospital again. We went to the ER yesterday just to make sure nothing crazy was going on before his hip replacement surgery. The CT showed an abscess, though that finding is now being questioned. He spent the night battling fevers and some more pain, then went off to have the "abscess" drained. Unfortunately/fortunately, there wasn't much to drain off from his liver. Accordingly, the radiologist just took a sample to culture.

Though Dan feels fine and his fevers are coming down a bit, the hospitalist basically told us that he is stuck here until the culture grows bacteria (1-3 days). If nothing grows, the infectious disease doc will called on to the case to tell us what could be growing without showing up. After he decides on a treatment plan, Dan can go home. He'll likely be on antibiotics for quite a while, even at home. We're still not sure on whether it will be oral or IV antibiotics. Dan is certainly hoping for oral meds so he won't need another PICC line.

Overall plan: wait, wait and wait some more. The hospitalist wasn't very keen on setting any clear goals at this point, so we're hoping tomorrow is better.

Thankfully, my boss is letting me take leave of absence days while Dan is here in the hospital. That takes a lot of stress off of us, as I can be here to help him out and talk to the doctors.

We're trying to take it a day at a time, enjoying spending time together while we can. Dan is studying for his final, which he'll have to take late. Also, Dan is on the floor I work on, so everyone is being great.

Wait, wait, wait.

Prayer Requests:

* Knowledge and wisdom for the docs

* Effective antibiotics that Dan can take orally

* A discharge sooner than we are expecting

* Cooperative and helpful communication with doctors

* NO MORE FEVERS!

* Speedy and conclusive results

* Time for us to show God's love and grace through how we handle this situation

Fried tumors!

I am happy to report that Dan is right now waking up from (possibly) his last necessary cancer treatment. The last of his visible tumors have been fried today...and hopefully, they'll never come back!

We got to the hospital about half an hour early, but they couldn't start the procedure until 3 hours later because Dan's platelets were a bit low. After finally deciding to give him a unit of platelets, they took him at 1030.

3 hours later, his fantastic doctor (our favorite over the past 4 years) came out to give us great news. The pre-procedure CT showed no new tumors and showed that the old tumors looked smaller than before. Then, they ablated a few areas ("microwave on a stick", as Dan says). The doctor admitted to us that he thinks the tumors were already dead, but he wanted to cook them anyway--for good measure. Biopsies from the site will tell us if there was any living cancer in them later. The doctor was overall very happy with the procedure. Little bleeding, no complications seen yet. Dan is waking up right now, so he's not even in the recovery area. In a couple hours or so, we'll be able to see him in his hospital room where he'll stay overnight for observation.

As long as Dan can eat, drink and have good pain control tonight, we should be able to leave in the morning. We'll be on the watch for signs of bleeding or infection for a little while. Then, we'll take a couple days to recuperate in NorCal, then drive home to La Habra.

As for future cancer treatments--there are NONE scheduled. After Dan's hip gets replaced, he can begin to work toward life without cancer. Check-up scans will happen every 3-6 months and the possibility will always remain that something could return. I will personally always be a little scared and worried. Yet, it feels like a new stage of life can begin. Please pray with us that Dan can officially and forever become a cancer survivor, instead of a cancer patient!

It's hard to believe that 4 years ago this time, Dan hadn't even started chemo. In fact, my mother-in-law and I were probably playing cards waiting for Dan to come out of a scan that would tell us fairly terrible news. Fast forward to now: Dan has his Bachelor's degree, has a wife, almost has his teacher's credential, has a cat and is planning for whatever God has in store for him and for us. God has certainly been faithful to His children.

I can say simply now, that the doctors did not think Dan had a fighting chance shortly after his diagnosis. Yet, after 10 rounds of chemo, SIRSpheres, a couple embolizations, a Whipple surgery, a bowel obstruction surgery, and 2 ablations...Dan is very close to being cancer-free.

We can obviously be thankful for the doctors and nurses. We can give some credit to Dan himself for being so incredibly, crazily courageous and strong. However, we would be completely wrong to not give all praise and glory and thankfulness to the One who orchestrated every good gift in the midst of this trial: our God and Savior, Jesus Christ. Without His provision and protection, I know that Dan would not be alive today. What a wonderful God we worship!

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. Continue to give glory to God for all He has done.

Updates will continue...though, I hope they won't involve too many more stories from the hospital!

Almost done!

One year ago, Dan and I were making some big changes in life. Dan was finally recovered from his surgeries and preparing for another one. I was graduating from nursing school, studying for the NCLEX and looking for a job. We were also looking for a place to live. As I hear about all the students graduating from Biola this weekend, I am glad that we aren't in such a topsy-turvy period of life. Yet, life has not slowed down yet!

Dan is now the one finishing up school, preparing to get his teacher's credential by the end of July. Actually, there will be a lot of changes by the end of July: one less liver tumor, one teacher's credential and one new hip. Good thing he has so much energy! Dan found out recently that he passed the TE (teaching event) and is nearly done with most of his assignments. Next step: finding a job. The search has already begun, so please be in prayer that God guides Dan toward the right job at the right time.

As for me, I am just working working working. Sometimes when I think about doing this until I'm 65, I get overwhelmed. Thank goodness nursing provides me with many options for refreshing my nursing spirit! I do like being a nurse, and I still feel that God has made me to take care of people. This thought is easier to remember at the end of a good shift with thankful patients...a rare combination! I am so very thankful that God is providing for Dan and I through this job and allowing me to learn so much every day.

This weekend will be the first whole weekend I have had off to spend with Dan without having work or family issues to deal with. We are thrilled! Time to sleep, clean, re-stock the fridge, snuggle, and maybe even take a day-trip. Yay!

Dan and I were slightly forced to take a trip home last weekend to attend my grandfather's funeral. It was obviously a very difficult week full of reliving memories and realizing that my papa won't be making new memories with us. As his death was very sudden, it still feels like a punch in the gut every time I think of the Dodgers or John Wayne or airplanes or old music. I can not even imagine how my grandma must feel right now and sincerely wish I could be home with her still. My prayer is that God is holding Papa tight now and that he is happy and right at home in Heaven.

We do apologize for the lapse in updates. As the title states, we feel like we are almost done with this phase of life called "School and beginning our careers". Hopefully, that means more time to focus on connecting with family and keeping in touch with everyone. Thank you for those of you who still keep us in your prayers.


Prayer Requests:
* Help on the job search for Dan--open doors and job offers soon
* Endurance for long hours at work and safety for me
* Successful tumor ablation (June 29th at Stanford) and hip replacement (July 28th in Whittier)
* Continued grace and peace as we seek God's will for our marriage and family

TE (Total Exhaustion)

So, we knew this was coming when Dan started the credentialing program. The Teaching Event (or TE or the TPA or the Mistress) is the big project that stands between students and their teaching credential. Dan has already been working hard in school, but he has been buried up to the neck for the past month or so. We are realizing now that the year-long break Dan took to have surgery and heal has actually made his TE a little more difficult for him. Not impossible, just difficult.

We haven't been able to spend much time as a couple since I've been working a lot at the hospital and Dan's been stuck with the TE. Even for his birthday, he did homework when he came home from our "date night"! We're trying to make the time we do have count, but it will be a breath of fresh air to have my happy husband back. We're fairly used to challenges in our marriage, but this has been stretching us pretty thin.

We are beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel, as the TE is due next Thursday. God willing, Dan will pass the first time and be done with this for good! Please pray for endurance for Dan and that he would finish well.

Though Toulouse is sleeping and quiet at the moment, he is showing us that he does not like being home alone so much. He knocks over all of his water dishes and our cups, eats anything he can grab (including my hair) and tries to get into every cabinet he can. Just a couple days ago I had to "cat-proof" our kitchen. Now, all our cupboards have baby locks on them. Good grief.

In health-related news, Dan has scheduled his hip replacement surgery for July 28th. It will be a rough bit of rehab, but then Dan should feel "young" again and not dependent on a cane. He's much more excited about this than I am! Yet, it will be nice to know all the nurses since the surgery will be at my hospital.

We cannot wait for a break. Even if our first day together with no work or homework consists of running errands or just sitting on a couch, we will be thrilled. The next couple weeks are going to be murderous for both of us, so any and all prayers would be appreciated greatly!

That's the news for now. We apologize if we have been non-communicative lately...you'll all begin to hear from us again soon :)

The New Year

Yes, we do know that it is half way through February and we are just now blogging about the new year. That is just how life is right now.

Back up to Christmas: we were blessed to have our families come to Southern California to celebrate a few days after Christmas. Since Lise and I worked all of the holidays, it was so refreshing to make our own holiday celebrations. What a wonderful way to start the new year!

Dan has started back at UCI to finish his teaching credential. He is BUSILY doing his teaching event (TPA) and student teaching. He is training in a middle school in Garden Grove, teaching algebra and geometry. From what he says, he will like being a teacher but does not like the process of getting there. The next few months will be just as crazy as the last couple have been. The "light at the end of the tunnel" is June when he gets his credential, though Dan will have to take one more class in July to be officially done. Then, we hope and pray that God opens doors for Dan to find a job.

Ashley is now working days on the oncology unit. It is a fairly stressful and busy unit, though in a different way than her last unit was. The patients are more complex, which means Ash is learning a lot. God is also providing lots of opportunities for her to give spiritual care and take care of the whole patient and their whole families. The hospital is busy right now, so there have been quite a few long days and extra days...which makes for one tired Ash most of the time.

All that to say, the Howens are ready for a break soon, but are pushing through like always. We are praying that we will be able to make a trip up for Easter....hopefully.

On the cancer front, Dan had a CT this month that showed us good news. The tumors have not grown and his liver is healing from all of the abuse it has been through. At this point, we are waiting to schedule the 2nd ablation until after Dan graduates. The surgeon and oncologist feel it is safe to wait since the tumors are not doing anything scandalous.

That should about sum it up for now. Dan and Ashley are busy and tired, but learning and growing. God is good; He is in control.

Please pray with us that God will continue to protect us and give us the endurance to keep on the path He has set us on.