Major Prayer Request

For my entire life, I have been a worry wort. Everyone who knows me well, knows this. What everyone does not know is that I am a bit more than a worrisome person. I have OCD and an anxiety disorder. Now, I don't mean I just get a bit nervous or like things  a certain way. I mean, my brain does not work normally. 

My counselor describes it this way: we all have a warning light in our brains that tell that something isn't right or is dangerous. My warning light doesn't stop going off. Accordingly, I live in a near constant state of high-alert and some level of fear. Sometimes, the fear escalates and turns into a full panic attack that leaves me unable to function or think beyond that which has me scared. 

These attacks were getting so prevalent last year that my counselor felt I had plateaued with therapy and needed medication. I was extremely resistant, so I kept trying. I then reached a point where my worst fear would become reality in my mind. 

(Example: I would give an injection very carefully and know that I had not poked myself. However, the thing I feared most was getting stuck and getting HIV. Therefore, I would become sure that that was exactly what had happened. Like, really sure.)

I was miserable, and though he denies it, I'm sure Dan was miserable, too. When I came home from work "knowing" that I had hit a pedestrian on my way home (though I really hadn't), I gave into my counselor's advice.

I was on meds for about 6 months and both of us noticed a huge difference. Sure, I still worried about things, but I could worry about reality instead of my brain's misconstrued fictions. I felt good.

Last May, I successfully weaned off the meds as they could interfere with conception. I still felt relatively under control, like my brain had been reset for the better.

Unfortunately, this improvement has vanished since becoming pregnant. The doctor says that the hormones negatively effect my OCD. I say my OCD has gotten out of control. Mainly, I worry about the baby. Everything I do, I worry about hurting the baby: slamming on the brakes, eating most foods (listeria hysteria), going to work, etc. I also worry about my old fears of needle sticks and contamination...a lot. I simply cannot convince myself that I am healthy and able to have this baby. My panic attacks are getting more frequent and I feel like I am losing my mind. My mind is once again replacing reality with my worst fears. 

I am grateful that I am pregnant, but I cannot be joyful or excited. I am always afraid that if I get too happy, something bad will happen. If I buy maternity clothes, I'll lose the baby. If I start to plan, I'll get listeria. Seriously, this is how my brain has been working. So, please forgive me if I haven't been readily jubilant or forthcoming with information about my pregnancy. My OCD brain won't allow it.

After discussing this with my OB for the last couple months, we have decided that the risk to the baby is greater with my panicking and lack of functioning than with the medication. Dan and I have done our research about the medication and I have been given approval by my OB and GP to start them up again. 

(Actually, I spoke to my GP on the phone today and tearfully explained my current situation. She was incredibly encouraging, telling me that I am not crazy and that my mental health is just as important to the baby as my physical health. She has already done extensive research on pregnancy-safe meds and was ready with answers for me. She told me to remember that babies are much stronger than we give them credit for, but that no one should be looking down on me for my fears. She's also allowing me to go in for regular blood work to help me know that I haven't gotten anything at work.)

All that to say, I am hoping for a couple months of sanity in which I can actually enjoy this pregnancy. 

I'll start the meds tomorrow morning at a nice low dose, and we're praying they work like last time. 

Obviously, this is not something I have been eager to share with the world. I am weary of labels and the stigma of mental health problems. Yet, this is part of me and is a real problem that people deal with all over the world. The first step toward helping people with mental disorders is people shedding light on them. This disease is not made up in my mind or me being weak in my faith. There is a chemical imbalance that stops me from thinking properly. 

I try to spend a lot of time in the Word and have Scriptures on my walls. I pray constantly and I know that God is stronger than anything I fear. But, just like Dan got chemo as we trusted God for healing, I am taking meds as I trust God for healing.

Please, please pray for us. It is not just me dealing with this. Dan puts me back together daily; he is the only one who can talk me down. He uses logic to try to invade my brain for the better. I long to be happy and joyous and excited. I want to be able to love Dan without fear. I need to be able to work without constant fear. I need lots of prayer.

Joy and Fear

I have been putting off writing this post since October. I'll explain why later.
However, I know it is long overdue. We have serious stuff going on in the Howen apartment.

First off...Dan's health:

Dan had a CT back in October that showed no evidence of new disease, as far as cancer is concerned. However, it did show that Dan's body is certainly unhappy with all of the abuse it has taken over the past 5 years. His liver has had several treatments, and thus has a ton of scar tissue. Because of these things, the blood flow in his liver is a bit sluggish (called portal hypertension). As the blood gets backed up, it is getting stuck in his spleen. The CT showed that his spleen is "markedly enlarged" and overactive. Typically, this could just be monitored, but Dan's immune system is taking a beating. You see, the spleen holds on to blood cells normally. When it gets overactive, the spleen munches on way too may blood cells. In Dan's case, it's harboring and chewing up platelets and white blood cells. This makes his immune system and blood clotting weak.

For now, the doctor is monitoring labs every week with Dan getting a shot of Neupogen twice a week to boost his white count. God has certainly protected Dan, as he is high risk for getting sick--especially working with all those munchkins! Though we pray expectantly that God will continue this providence, we are also looking at the next options.
1. Remove the spleen completely. Dan is against this idea because it is major surgery and he is already missing several organs.
2. Radiation to the spleen. This carries risks and isn't actually proven that effective.
3. Embolization to part of the spleen. This would leave Dan with some spleen function, but would help it chill out hopefully.

Dan and the docs are looking at option 3 as the goal, though we have no clue when. It would be done by Dan's interventional radiologist at Stanford, which makes me feel more confident--this doc knows Dan better than most people! The procedure will involve a couple days in the hospital plus a good deal of pain. There is also a chance that the embolized part of the spleen will become infected mush...which would lead us back to a mandatory option 1.

So, when will this happen? Not sure. If Dan's counts can hold up, we have time to wait. If they don't, well, our hands will be tied. Before or after May? We just don't know. For now, it's trusting God for more guidance and time.


Baby News:

We're having a baby!
I'm sure everyone knows this already through Facebook and excited grandparents-to-be.
We had been going through fertility treatments, which weren't working. We were exhausted and missed  just being normal with each other, rather than having our "special moments" dictated by medical professionals. So, we decided to take a short break, though I would continue to take Metformin to keep my body (hormones, cycles, etc.) manageable.

Well, that break resulted in a rather large surprise on September 21st. I was starting to work in the Infusion Center at the hospital giving chemo. The other chemo nurse saw me get a bit woozy one day and made me swear to take a pregnancy test before continuing to give chemo. I had the next day off, so when I woke up at 5am on accident, I figured I would get the disappointment over with. Still drowsy, I leaned against the wall in the hallway for the obligatory 2 minutes before reading the test. Well, I thought I had double vision when I saw 2 lines. After a second test with 2 lines, I woke up Dan. He swears he knew what was going on even before he saw the tests. Obviously, we didn't go back to sleep!

A blood test and an ultrasound the next week confirmed by Dollar Store tests.

I've always been a worrying person and we had worked so hard for this little baby, that I was afraid that if we told everyone too soon, something bad would happen. We didn't even tell our parents for a few weeks. Despite my irrational feeling that spilling the news would mean losing our baby, Dan convinced me to tell everyone on Thanksgiving. It's still overwhelming reading all of the love and encouragement we received that day!

The pregnancy hasn't been totally smooth and that joyful glow certainly hasn't fallen upon me. I started having bad abdominal pain around 8 weeks. Because of my history of PCOS, the fertility doc labeled me as high risk for miscarriage and placed me on light duty until after my 1st trimester. They have never found anything wrong with the baby or me, though they just released me to my regular OB a month ago. She believes it is just a combination of me being small and the baby stretching things out, though she is keeping a close eye on me. I've been back at regular work for a couple weeks with only a couple mishaps--all of which have left me sore but with a healthy, fidgeting munchkin.

We have our "big" 20 week ultrasound after the New Year's, in which we will learn if this is a boy munchkin or a girl munchkin. We're trusting God that our little one is forming well and will stay cozy until May :)

Pray that the baby is healthy and that Dan and I get to meet this little one in the Spring.

Pray that God prepares our hearts to be good parents and that we can raise this baby to know Him.

Pray that my fears will be replaced by peace.

Pray that Dan stays healthy and that is spleen will calm down without intervention.

Pray for guidance for us.

For those who made it to the end of this blog, please read the next post. I'm not sharing it on FB, but it is an issue that I need prayer for desperately. Thanks.